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Electricity in the Air.

Saturday, May 23, 2009 , Posted by Bradd McBrearty at 2:09 AM

There is some thing new here. A bright sense of anticipation. A knowing. The racing-pulse-pounding excitement of a panic attack, without the dread or terror. The cresting of the first most titanic arc of a grand roller-coaster. I feel like I have my eyes closed and the wind in my face. And I'm wearing a smile.
There's an indescribable familiarity in the events of my life recently. It's a sort of reverse déjà vous, as if I'm seeing the events that will one day play out, and at any moment the real world will disappear and fade into memory.
This is joy. Happiness unbridled.
Honestly, I can't really say why. On paper, nothing is going as I'd like. As many of you may have heard, my contact with Sony Online Entertainment was over nearly as quickly as it began.
I'm in what I'd call the worst physical shape of my life, and while I have great desires to improve in this area, it's all tomorrows and somedays.
My romantic life bounces between the incredibly simple and the needlessly complicated. But I feel like I've got a pretty good handle on it. For I know deep within, that I simply want that which I cannot have, and as soon as the fruit passes from the forbidden realm, I no longer desire it. It's going to take more than arm-chair psychology to work that one out, but I'm not really in a rush.
I feel strangely liberated recently. Once again, my dreams are my limits, and the sky is a figment of my myopic imagination.
I'm reading again. Really reading. Books with real meat, and fluffy books rife with high fantasy. The yin and yang of modern literature.
I'm making music again. Rusty as my joints are, nothing keeps the oxidation away like the oily splash of focused practice.
I go through cycles wondering who I am, why I am here, and who benefits from my existence. When those three dials diverge, just getting out of bed is a colossal task. Right now the axises of my focus all point true north.
It's a blessing that brings tears to my eyes literally. Before now, I can't remember the last time I cried. Or even cared.
I dread going to sleep tonight for fear that this miraculous feeling will pass. This is power. Or truth. Or righteousness. This is the enlightened moment some spend a life time searching for.
I can't begin to explain why it courses through me now. All I can do is give myself over and pray my thanks. A lightning rod to pierce the veil. Answers to questions unanswerable by man. Questions I would have never thought to ask.
Thank you for living though this with me.
May I someday live through you.
Each of you.

The previous emotional deluge was triggered by a simple, easy to miss event of minuscule importance. I had my dog, Captain Awesome, with me all day. He missed his dinner. Getting home at 1:30am, I fixed him a bowl of half dry dog food, and half wet out of the can. Just the way he likes it. As I left the room, he looked and followed me. He'd rather stay by my side than eat. It was a simple thought, but It set me off thinking about friends and relationships. How blessed I've been in my life. The amazing family I have been privileged to grow up in. And yes, the wonderful puppy, Captain Awesome, who came into my life in perhaps the darkest of times, and has seen my though the this very moment of illumination.

These clumsy words are a poor service to the emotions I am feeling. But they are my best, and most honest attempt at giving thanks to the people in my life. From Parents and siblings to Dear friends, to all the smiling acquaintances I am blessed to see every time I go out socially. It is your love, and your excitement that I feel now. Never underestimate the power of a kind word or a helping hand. You are the hands, voice and heart of god.

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