Bradd McBrearty's Awesome Life

2012-01-11T10:38:00.001-08:00

WoTC abandoning 4e to work on 5e? The prob with 4e is not that it's diff from AD&D or 3.5, it's lack of product support.

2012-01-03T10:04:00.001-08:00

Hmm... You can't do much of anything at a Video Game studio without power...

2011-12-16T10:38:00.001-08:00

Wanna test drive the new Facebook Timeline before it goes live? http://ping.fm/uBe40

2011-12-16T01:03:00.001-08:00

Hooked my computer up to my TV via DVI to HDMI. Watching 3D Videos on Youtube. Pretty Rad. Going to look into Maya's Stereoscopic stuff...

2011-12-02T13:39:00.001-08:00

"Maya has the best tools. You just have to make them yourself."

2011-12-01T00:16:00.001-08:00

Of course. The very night I get my new tv and go to set up all my home theater equipment, there's a thunderstorm to make me paranoid.

2011-11-28T00:19:00.001-08:00

Is Cyber Monday even a thing? The contents of my Christmas shopping list and personal wish list would have me believe No. No it is not.

2011-11-24T20:47:00.001-08:00

Happy Black-Friday Eve, you lunatics.

2011-11-22T12:07:00.001-08:00

I'm hoping a few days of Snowboarding will offset all the food consumed in the following week...

2011-11-11T10:31:00.001-08:00

My brother-in-law sent this email this morning:
"I am sick today (I am actually sick, its not Skyrimfluenza) "

2011-11-05T16:09:00.001-07:00

Just saw 3D movie in a fancy theater that uses active 3D glasses instead of crappy polarized ones. Way better. Didn't bother me at all.

2011-11-02T19:42:00.001-07:00

Eating healthy tastes awesome. Thank you 4 hour body. Down 35 lbs since August, without setting foot in a Gym.

2011-10-13T17:50:00.001-07:00

iPad iOS 5 streaming to Apple TV is amazing. It's "The future has just arrived" kind of amazing. Now your iDevice IS your home console.

2011-10-10T13:09:00.001-07:00

I just had a terrible pain in my side, got nauseous, and broke into a sweat. I was about to leave work, and it just went away. Kidney Stone?

2011-10-08T16:26:00.001-07:00

The Jester at this Ren Fair show just asked if anyone had a 'sundial made by Sir Steve of Jobs' to time the next trick...

2011-10-04T11:44:00.001-07:00

So apple's big news: iPhone 4s with a faster processor, better camera, cloud storage, voice recognition, avail. on Sprint preorders Oct. 7

2011-10-03T10:35:00.001-07:00

I've been at Jet Set Games for a year today.

2011-09-21T10:31:00.001-07:00

Facebook! Stop breaking your user experience! I never wanted to see your 'top news' before! I want to see what my friends are up to now!

2011-09-19T12:49:00.001-07:00

Step 1: Do laundry to get dog hair off everything. Step 2: Come home to find dog sleeping in laundry basket with clean laundry.

2011-09-14T16:13:00.001-07:00

I had no idea that there are Nurse Practitioners at CVS that can write you a prescription for antibiotics when you're sick. Super convenient

2011-09-13T06:24:00.001-07:00

Was feeling sick after work, so I went right to bed. Now I'm totally awake... Great. Already looking forward to being tired all day...

2011-09-12T12:25:00.001-07:00

So that was the SERIES finale of Entourage? It felt like they thought they had 4 more episodes but were forced to cram it into one...

2011-09-11T00:51:00.001-07:00

I need to invest in a serious camera... I'm driving down he Las Vegas Strip and huge bolts of lightning are illuminating the sky. Nature FTW

2011-09-10T17:41:00.001-07:00

I think I may hold the record for "Most number of drinks spilled into keyboards"...

2011-08-24T15:56:00.001-07:00

Steve Jobs resigns as CEO of Apple? http://ping.fm/bRH8X He's pulling a Bill Gates...

2011-08-24T11:45:00.001-07:00

Facebook's addition of an App ticker, and rearranging requests to be blatant advertisements for popular games is a functional step backwards

2011-08-20T15:03:00.001-07:00

It just occurred to me that truffle oil smells a bit like gasoline... And I'm somehow completely ok with that...

2011-08-18T23:15:00.001-07:00

Google Plus Hangouts is like the best thing ever. Making Social networking actually Social.

2011-08-16T13:50:00.001-07:00

...and in a random act of kindness my roommate put up a nice mesh over our back gate to keep Captain in the yard.

2011-08-16T13:25:00.001-07:00

Direct deposit from work came through today. Made my student loan payment. Entire deposit and then some is gone... #FML

2011-08-15T18:07:00.001-07:00

Borders.com is having a going out of business sale, and nothing that I want to buy is discounted. #Fail

2011-08-14T22:51:00.001-07:00

I am restless. Whenever I start to feel settled into a place, a voice in by head starts repeating, "There is more in this world to see."

2011-08-12T18:48:00.001-07:00

Ok, so adding your secret Ping.fm address to a circle to cross-post from Google Plus is a terrible idea as it exposes your address. Changed.

2011-08-12T15:44:00.001-07:00

Just changed the mapping of my tablet from one monitor, to both. Feels like learning to paint all over again. http://ping.fm/1Dxd9

Blogging is dead.

2011-08-12T00:02:00.000-07:00

The Glorious Return of Bradd's Blog!
Or so it goes.
In my mind.

Maybe you noticed all of my little BS blog posts lately. (I mean, I wouldn't put money on it or anything, I feel like blogs are kind of 'over.' There's a few really high quality ones, which are essentially what we called 'web-pages' before the whole self-authoring trend came along. Then facebook brought user-generated-content to the masses in a real way, and twitter filled in that whole in the internet that all the anonymity of the digital age left behind. So now, here, in the digital-social age, is there really a place for blogging? Even though it seems like I'm leading you towards a solid 'NO', this is all really a theatrical trick just to make your head spin when I say 'YES'.

Yes.

There is a place for blogging in this digital age, but not on the casual level. No one cares about what new trick your baby did that every other 10 month old will probably do give or take a week. No one want's to see more pictures of my dog. If they do, they're not going to go searching the wilds of the nets to find it, they're going to go to their social network of choice and ingest as much as they can handle. Social media is now an all-you-can-eat buffet, with dishes prepared by the world's top content-providers. If you disagree, then the problem isn't the media, it's the people you socialize with. Go get some smarter friends. Seriously.)

Oh wow. That was one hell of an opening aside... The actual post I sat down to write should begin here any moment...

So I don't really like to admit this but I'm a little bit crazy. If you don't really know me that well, you may want to go look elsewhere for entertainment right now, as this next bit may be a little intense, and not really in sync with the title of the blog proper.

Or not. I don't really know, I haven't written it yet, have I?

Yeah, so crazy. Not in the fun, playful, "That Guys is so crazy!" usage of the word, but more along the lines of "On the brightest of days, I can see only shadows." sort of way.

I've never wanted to be sick. I have an irrational fear that it is possible that people will automatically assume that any revealed weakness is a crutch, a fall-back used to cast off responsibility. Then again, I don't think anyone would accuse me of seeking out responsibility.

The point is, the last several years of my life have followed a pretty predictable cycle, and I seem powerless to break it. It goes something like this:
1) Realize that the things I love most about life have become dull and uninteresting.
2) Admit to myself that I'm depressed, and was mentally blocking the possibility for fear of appearing weak.
3) Get help (in the form of Anti-depressant and Attention-deficit-disorder drugs.
4) Everything is suddenly better.
5) 5-6 really great months go by.
6) Decide I don't need medicine, Look how good I'm doing!
7) 2-3 months go by, each getting progressively worse. In the end, feeling secretly bitter towards the people in my life who care about me the most.
8) Go to Step 1.

So yeah. For those who are interested I'm on Step 3 as of yesterday. In a shocking change to my life's order-of-operations, the Psychiatrist that I randomly picked off a list of providers suggested I meet with a Psychologist. I've only spoken with one a few times in my life, and the bottom line was "You're clinically depressed, admit it to yourself, and get help." This time though he suggested that I was addicted to Anti-depressants and should talk through it.

I don't wan't to argue with a trained professional, but is that even possible? And how can you suggest that a person who hasn't had an antidepressant for the better part of a year is addicted to them, AND THEN WRITE OUT A PRESCRIPTION FOR THEM?!

In all reality, I'm sort of amused by the contradictory nature of all this. So, I'm going to go along with it. I've got an appointment with a real-life shrink in a week, and we'll see how that goes. She called me on the phone today to schedule, and I told her flat out, that I wasn't exactly sure why he'd suggested Psychotherapy. I've never suffered any abuse, never lost a loved one, I have a healthy-happy relationship with my immediate family, and have my dream job. The bottom line here is that just about every single member of my family has been treated for clinical depression at some point.

Maybe there is a deeper answer here that I just don't see. Have you seen the movie Limitless? I'm willing to believe there is more potential locked away in each of our minds, just beyond reach. I'm all about self-improvement and learning new things. That's half the reason I spent 10 years in college. (The other half being wild-impulsiveness, and the inability to pass up adventures like backpacking in Thailand, and being a Snowboard Instructor.)

So we'll see. And I'll probably blog about it. Even though blogs are dead.

2011-08-07T16:05:00.001-07:00

Just rode The new Star Tours, one of the newest, most advanced 3d films, and then watched Captain EO, one of the first. Not much progress.

2011-07-26T18:44:00.001-07:00

Just upgraded my fightstick with an 8-way gate rather than the stock 4. Seriously took under a minute.

2011-07-23T21:41:00.001-07:00

If you're wearing an animal print bathing suit, stop. Be honest with yourself. You're probably too old or too chubby to be wearing that.

2011-07-22T13:30:00.001-07:00

Boarders announced that they are liquidating all their stores... Time to go get all those 4th Edition books... http://tinyurl.com/3efxq7o

2011-07-21T19:48:00.001-07:00

STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING! This is far more important- they have invented bacon flavor popcorn!

2011-07-21T15:57:00.001-07:00

Breathe Carolina's new album 'Hell is what you make it' is the best @shinytoyguns album I've ever heard. @BreatheBand

2011-07-21T12:07:00.001-07:00

Ran into a rep for @GOFASTENERGY and he hooked me up with a bunch of their new Lemonade. It is TERRIBLE. I am disappoint. Thanks, but Yuck.

2011-07-19T11:09:00.001-07:00

Oh man. Huddle is like the best thing ever. Google+ on iOS FTW!

2011-07-19T09:57:00.001-07:00

Hey there BranchOut. Why did I block you? Because I already have a professional social network that I don't use. @LinkedIn

2011-07-16T20:11:00.001-07:00

This won't be the first time I've gone to a costume party where all the pieces of my 'costume' are from my regular wardrobe

2011-07-13T15:18:00.001-07:00

Linguistic Complications Arise...

Friday Nights are for...

2010-01-16T02:14:00.001-08:00

...Modeling. The way I know that I love the career I've committed myself to, is that I'm fine blowing off a date to practice and improve my skills. Seriously. Plus, when you get right down to it, GDC is right around the corner. The only way were going to scale this mountain to completion is by sacrificing wants in favor of needs. I can't wait till it's done though. Rolling into GDC, or Beer Wednesday, or any industry related event and being able to hand out a completed produce is really is the next level in my mind.

I worked on the Trellis stands that line the track tonight. The sheer scale and height of the object make working on it a bit awkward. I experimented with the sub-object orbit mode to streamline the process.
Here's a few progress shots. (The trellis Frame is untextured. You're just looking at the Normal Map and AO.)

Trellis Frame

Detail Shot of Base

Reference Image

Boxes! Get excited!

2010-01-14T16:57:00.000-08:00

Or rather, Box.

Anyways, Boom! Progress is well underway with PDR. A few recent team meetings have really helped, as each team member shares their areas of expertise with the rest.

So, uhm, what am I looking at?
What indeed.

Apparently Terminal Island, home of Death Race, was once a lush forest of rebar and tarnished brass pipes. When they cleared the land to make room for their glorious prison/race track they went ahead and crushed the local vegetation into cubes. Afterwards, they used said cubes to line their track, and to provide shelter to unwitting Pit-crews in times of danger.

Follow our progress at:

http://Digital-Mercs.com

Thanksgiving Wishes

2009-11-26T17:08:00.001-08:00

May your thanks be known to those you love the most.

Happy Thanksgiving.
-Bradd McBrearty

The tortoise and the hare

2009-10-14T01:22:00.000-07:00

You ever wonder how that story would end up if the hare hadn't been a total jerk-off? Say he'd adopted a work hard/play hard attitude and ran the entire race, and then had his nap on the far side of the finish line.

There would still be an important lesson taught- Priorities. I think too many people take away the wrong message from the original story. 'Slow and Steady' does not win the race if there are people going 'Fast and Steady.' (I was tempted to write 'Fast and Furious...')

I constantly compare my personal progress to people who are better than me. At everything. As a result, I'm constantly seeking to better myself, but perpetually unhappy. It's bred a constant need for positive reinforcement, but also numbed me to any lasting effects of achievement.

At least I know why I'm crazy.

Here's a little progress update on my Ducati project:

Daily Project Update- SHOES!

2009-10-13T01:14:00.000-07:00

Hopefully the addition of some 'Shoes' for my bike will give everyone a better sense of spatial placement. Thanks for dropping by and following my progress on this increasingly long task ;)

Daily Project Update...

2009-10-06T00:06:00.000-07:00

For the sake of consistency here's my daily progress...

Today I modeled the main seat section. I started by sketching it out with splines, then adding a surface modifier. Afterward I quickly tweaked the shape with an FFD 4x4x4 while toggling on NURMs to preview the final smoothed shape.

Here's a screen grab from 3DS Max 2010 with my reference image in the viewport so you can see what I'm headed towards.

Minor project update...

2009-10-04T21:28:00.000-07:00

It's been interesting lately... for as good as I've been feeling mentally and emotionally, I've been feeling equally terrible physically. I came down with the Flu two weeks ago, and after just a single day of respite, came down with a terrible Cold. My aging bones can't keep up with this rock and roll life style.

Anyways. In my previous blog post, I mentioned challenging some friends to model at Ducati Monster 696. Let's see how they are doing:

Jon Rick

Johnny Perkins

Well then.

Even though I've been dying of the plague, I managed to spend a few hours learning about 3ds Max 2010, and modeling therein.

Initially I wanted to crank this entire model out inside of a week, but little things like work, and sleeping seem intent on delaying my efforts. So maybe two weeks...

The Renaissance of Bradd.

2009-09-30T01:36:00.001-07:00

Despite deeper seeded political and religious issues, the renaissance was a golden era for the human race. Mankind made contributions to the arts that would last throughout history. The warfare and plague that had scourged the previous ages were past, and a new light shined on enlightened minds.

For the first time in years I feel like I've weathered the major storms of life, and am stepping onto the doorway of a glorious age. Often time's people look back on the past as, "The good old days," or a time when things were better, or they were happier. Not me. I'm looking forward to each new day with a renewed sense of purpose and inner-vigor.

Time to knock out some of my personal goals.

Along said course, I challenged a couple of my Co-workers/Best Friends/College buddies to get back into the swing of 3D modeling by making something really complex. A model that would be a shining piece in their portfolios, and proof of their abilities as prop/environment artists. I feel like I should live up to the challenge I've issued them, so I'm going to make it too. With just a few high-poly modeling tutorials in hand, and an account on Polycount, we're setting out to make the Ducati Monster 696.

It'll be a challenge, and will brush up a lot of sorely needed skills. I can't wait. Also, I'm going to be modeling it in 3ds Max 2010. I've been a 'Maya-guy' thus far, so this will be the first really complex thing I've tackled in Max, as well as my first experience with the new version. Double fun.

(I completed a similar project earlier this year, but it took me an entire month to get through... I'm hoping to get this done in about 1/4 that time... you can see the previous model at BraddMcBrearty.com)

As a side note, literally every time I open up Max I find another feature that I loved in Maya that they've brought over. (I started my career in 3D art using max, but it was version 4... so some of these advancements have probably been in for years, I just missed them while I was in 'maya-land') The specific advancement I noticed today was the inclusion of the 'Project' system. As long as I've been using Maya, you've had the ability to start each project off by making a project folder and populating it with sub-folders for all the different types of assets you'll be using. A nice neat way to work efficiently. I'm so happy to see it's made its way into Max.

Google is Awesome.

2009-09-16T01:39:00.000-07:00

So I'm working on a flier for a party this weekend.
In process thereof, I set out to find photos from other parties I'd hosted. For some reason it seemed totally normal to know that a simple Google search for variations on my name and the word 'Boncuzzi' (which I co-coined) would yield the desired result.
Out of a morbid sense of narcissism it occurred to me to Google my own name. I had a conversation at work today about making a business card that looks like this:

A plain white card, with your name in the Google font and color scheme. No contact info whatsoever. Armed with this card alone, you now have the power to access any and all relevant information about me, and it will always be updated.

Jon Rick brought up Danny Ocean's business card from Oceans 11-13, which is based on the reverse principle, you don't get a hold of him, he gets a hold of you.

Anyways. Moving on.

So I did a Google image search for myself, yielding the following:

Pretty impressive. Literally hundreds of pics of me or things related to me. From left to right:
Row 1
1. A pic of a recent project, from this blog.
2. A pic of me at E3, was my facebook profile pic for a while.
3. Another pic I posted on this blog.
4. See above.
5. See above.
Row 2
1. My Qik.com avatar.
2. An earlier project I blogged about.
3. My blog avatar
4. A demo I posted on this blog.
5. Another pic from the same demo.

And so on for 29 pages in order of increasing obscurity.

A long time user of Microsoft products, I was interested in their latest push, the 'Suggestion Engine' Bing.com.

It yielded far different results.

They're not really anymore specific, or better in anyway, there's just less of them.
Row 1
1. A Facebook profile pic from months ago.
2. The header from Johnny Perkins old website, which was near a block of text with my name.
3. A pic from my blog.
Row 2
1. My friend Judd Roy's Facebook profile pic, the splash page listing me as a friend.
2. A Screenshot from a game I worked on with Johnny Perkins and Jon Rick, taken from Johnny's site.
3. A project of Johnny's which I had nothing to do with, but my name happens to appear later on the page.
Row 3
1. A random image from my gallery on ping.fm's picture service. (similar to twitpic.com)
2. And a photo of Dan Tentler, the photographer by whom the photo I was looking for was taken. (From his qik.com profile)

So, in a brief topdown view, (from the perspective of my tired mind) if seems like Bing really hasn't come into its own yet. Google image search being in this case superior in terms of Search quality and quantity. Also, Google kicks Bing right in the junk, delivering better on Bing's one catchphrase, "The Suggestion Engine."

I only want suggestions from you if they are GOOD suggestions.

I'm getting married.

2009-09-02T22:04:00.000-07:00

Apparently.

According to this highly scientific Facebook application there's a 95% chance that I'm getting married.

(click for larger image)

Well there's a relief. I hate most Facebook applications, but curiosity got the best of me and I installed this one, took the screen-shot, and immediately uninstalled it.

While we're on the topic of love, and have our finger over the 'PRT SCR' button:

(click for larger image)

But honestly, I've had this conversation with my close friend, Jon Rick, several times, and each time I'm left feeling almost ungrateful for the amazing life I'm so fortunate to lead. I have to give thanks to my parents, family, and god. It's a bit like an Oscar acceptance speech for winning in the category of 'Life.'

And lastly, while I'm letting screen shots do all my talking, may I present:

(click for larger image)

For all you gamers out there, FYI, you can pre-order from the Gamestop website, and pay at the store when you actually pick up the game. Hooray!

Work in Progress...

2009-08-14T06:48:00.000-07:00

I've been overwhelmed with little projects and minor catastrophes in life lately, and as such, my blog has suffered. I still have one more round of 'Overweight Super Heroes' for you. But that will have to wait...

I just wanted to post the progress I've made on the Pillar project I was working on. These are all Screen Grabs in the Unreal 3 Editor. I plan to make a final pass and add more definition to the Spec map, and to paint in some specific detail to make areas of the Diffuse map Pop.

The Tri Count is 2140.
1024x1024 Spec, Normal, and Diffuse maps.

...that's right, More overweight Super Heroes!

2009-07-29T13:35:00.000-07:00

Let's get right into it with perhaps one of the boldest costume choices around.... This one is for all the geeky ladies in the house-

1. Han Solo
Original Version:
Comic Con Version:
Looks like Harrison Ford took all that bad press from Indiana Jones personally and really let himself go...

2. Tusken Raider from Star Wars
Original Version:
Comic Con Version:
This is actually a pretty good costume choice for a husky fellow, the muumuu effect is concealing, if not slimming.

3. Cammy from Street Fighter
Original Version:
Comic Con Version:
Rule 34 made it incredibly hard to find an appropriate reference photo for this one...

4. Abel from Street Fighter IV
Original Version:
Comic Con Version:
Looks like Abel, the french MMA Star, has been slacking a little on his workout regime. Probably just kicking back enjoying life with his close personal friend, the new ethnic version of Gambit.

5. Bender and Fry from Futurama
Original Version:
Comic Con Version:
The Fry costume is one red jacket away from perfect, but it looks as though Bender's tiny robot arms and legs gain a little something in the Human transition.

6. Pro Wrestler 'The Honky Tonk Man'
Original Version (Then):
Comic Con Version (Now):
This is the actual person, come to sell autographs at Comic Con. If the one thing you are famous for is being in amazing physical condition, then blast it all! STAY in amazing physical condition!

7. Poison Ivy from Batman
Comic Con Version #1:
I caught up with this Poison Ivy while she was getting in line for a Mrs. Fields Cookie. I don't know what this significance of the Emo Slave is, but for me it's just extra weirdo-win!

Comic Con Version #2:
It would appear that 'Hefty Poison Ivy' was a popular choice, as I caught both these pics nearly back to back!

8. Lilith from Darkstalkers
Original Version:
Comic Con Version:
It's not every day we get celebrities dressing up in costume! According to the badge, this is Mandy Moore! Looks like both Lilith and the teen sensation have put on a few pounds post-lime-light.

9. Wonder Woman
Original Version:
Comic Con Version(s):
"What are you going as for Con?"
"Wonder Woman! I heard they cast Jessica Biel for the Wonder Woman movie, and I look just like her!"
"Whoa! Me too! We can be twinners!"
This double-threat may be my favorite pic in this set.

10. Black Mage from Final Fantasy
Original Version:
Comic Con Version:
This costume might be right on the money. The Black Mage appears to be a portly little fellow in the original artwork. Also, This costume is just awesome in its simplicity.

11. She Hulk
Original Version:
Comic Con Version:
Uhm, I'm pretty sure almost all the iterations of 'She Hulk' have been more than a girl in a hulk costume... You almost got the shoes right though!

Check back tomorrow for the Final Chapter in my epic quest to Document 'Over-Weight Super Heroes of Comic Con 2009!'

Overweight Super Heros - My Comic Con 2009 Quest

2009-07-28T00:47:00.001-07:00

Comic Con is officially out of hand. In a bad way. As a long time super-nerd, The highlight of the con for me has always been going to the industry panels and learning from the masters, first hand. This year, however, that was an impossibility. Even the most mundane panels were assailed by two to seven hour lines. All the tweens lined up for the Twilight panel literally camped out overnight.

For a moment, I thought the Con completely ruined- Till I saw this:

That's right, Fat Skeletor. I was at once enlightened, and knew in that moment the grand quest before me- to document the incredibly awesome collection of overweight super heroes at the con. For reference, Skeletor is a Skelton:

Which sort of begs the question, how does someone made of BONES get fat? This quandary was almost immediately cast to the background of my mind as I was assailed by the following amazing collection of would-be heroes:

1. The Tick
The Original:

The Comic Con Version:

I'm really breaking you in easy here. We'll get to the grossly obese later. The tick's only real super power is that he's totally ripped, and mostly invincible. He's not a second string luge driver in the winter games.

2. Robin
The Original:

The Comic Con Version:
It appears that 'The Boy Wonder' Dick Grayson grew up... and outward.

3. The Green Ranger "Tommy"
The Original Version:
The Comic Con Version:

And another pic because a) Love Handles, and b) it's terrifying.

4. Ripley from Aliens
The Original Version:
The Comic Con Version:
Yeah. Wow. And that Corset/top hat man is just extra 'Win.'

5. The Mighty Thor
The Original Version:
The Comic Con Version:
Austin Blank of Maddox Productions, if that is your real name, put this beauty together.

6. Storm Trooper
The Original Version:
The Comic Con version:
What's amazing here, is this isn't actually a person in costume, it's a 12 inch tall toy made by Sideshow Collectibles. Check out the amazing level of detail, right down to the Comic con pass. There were plenty of tubby imperial troopers to be seen, but this example of Life imitating art imitating life imitating art is by far my favorite.

7. The Borg
The Original:
The Comic Con Version:
While a straight on photo doesn't reveal the girth quite as well as I'd like, you'll notice the liberal use of the 'Ab-abber' for instant definition!

Check back tomorrow for even more MASTERPIECES!

*If you are in any of the photos in this post, and would like to be removed, send me an email and I can make it happen. If any of the references photos belong to you and you'd like them taken down, I can do that as well. Thanks. All images used for the purpose of satire.

Too Much Adventure perhaps...

2009-07-22T23:46:00.000-07:00

The next few days will be overly packed. Tomorrow I have an interview at High Moon Studios for a position as an environment artist. I've done a lot of work as a 3D artist, but this will be my first full time position in a AAA studio specifically working on video games. The last 5 years of my life have been in preparation for this. Needless to say, I'm feeling a little pressure.
Also, Comic-Con started tonight. I went to the preview-night event to pick up my badge early and circumvent the usual lines. Only this time, to my surprise and horror, there were so many people that the convention center parking lots were full. Preview night is usually a low key evening to chat up your favorite artists and writers. Tonight was a mad house like your average Saturday at the Con. I can only imagine what the next few days will be like. Adding to what I'm sure will be a long list of firsts for this year, there were an incredible number of girls at the convention. Outside it to be more specific. Next to the main hall, H, a shanty town of tents, blankets, and security barriers has been erected, forming a makeshift refugee camp for the rabid fans of Twilight. The population was near unanimously female. There is even an area cordoned off, where in a sign is erected reading, "Twilight Moms."
Something tells me this is not the success the founders of this great convention envisioned when they set about the geeky and daunting task of hosting an International Comics Convention.
Something also tells me they'll have no moral qualms accepting the Twilighters money.

Windows 7 Upgrade

2009-07-21T04:27:00.000-07:00

I have a habit of ruining operating systems. Seriously. I probably re-install more than anyone I know. (Save perhaps Johnny Perkins who re-installs for a living... heh...) Recently I did, I don't know what, but it resulted in 3ds max crashing every few minutes. Even after a re-install of Max, the problem remained. So I headed over to Microsoft and grabbed the Free Windows 7 beta.

A few things to note-
First of all, this was the easiest change over ever. Mostly due to a windows VISTA feature I wasn't even aware of- The User folder. Vista creates a nice little folder with your name on it, and inside are context related folders for Music, Documents, Downloads, etc. I'm a big fan of getting to my stuff with the fewest clicks possible, so I began using this system almost exclusively. (And to make life even easier, I opened up my 'start' menu, and right clicked on the 'Bradd' link and clicked 'Show on Desktop.') The only things I added were a 'Project' folder for my personal work, and a 'Collected Resource' folder full of handy junk I collected over the years; school projects, tutorials, and whatnot. When it came time to backup my data, I literally just dragged and dropped the 'Bradd' folder onto an external hard drive and I was set to go.

After reformatting my hard drive and installing Windows 7, all I had to do was drag the 'Bradd' folder back onto my desktop and everything was back to normal. All my files were right where I expected them. Now all I have to do is reinstall all my programs.

Here's a little rundown on what I've installed so far-
Drivers-
All the Windows Vista x64 drivers for my Dell XPS 1710 work perfectly. I downloaded the most recent nVidia drivers from their site.
Wacom Driver- I installed the Vista driver with no problems. If you find your pen reverting back to mouse mode, open your device manager and uninstall the Wacom Virtual HID driver.

Software-
Adobe Creative suite CS4 - Everything installed but Indesign. I'll look into why later.
Microsoft Office Suite 2007 - Installed perfectly.
Daemon tools- Doesn't work with W7, so I installed Virtual CloneDrive. (which is also free!)
UltraMon- There's a Beta version for W7, and my key from the previous version works with it.
Newsleecher v3.9 Final- Works just fine.
NetLimiter- Theres a (Free) Beta version for W7
Firefox 3.5.1 - Works perfectly, and the Flash plugin for Windows XP/Vista works just fine.
ESET NOD32 4.0.437 x64 - Works perfectly
Winrar x64 3.9 beta5 - Works perfectly, Originally I was using this to open .ISO's before discovering Virtual CloneDrive
Peer Guardian- This was a little tricky, but the tutorial at that link works like a charm. Actually easier than the Vista Work around. **As an added bonus, this workaround also removes the Windows 7 Beta watermark and build number from the bottom right-hand corner of your screen.**
µTorrent- despite rampant rumors that µTorrent calls home and sends user data in, I installed 1.8.3 anyways. The folks behind Peer Guardian recently took it off their Data mining ban list, so I guess all the fuss was over nothing.

I have more programs to install and I'll add them to this list at I go. So check back if you're curious about Windows 7.

Going back to Old ways...

2009-07-19T06:01:00.000-07:00

I had a terrible painful breakup while I was attending the Art institute. So many promises, so many great ideas, but no delivery. Then when a sexier, sleeker looking thing came my way, I jumped ship. That's right, I broke up with 3ds Max and switched over to Maya. I should have known hanging out with an Ex was a bad idea becuase I'm starting to think about taking her back... More on that later...

I spent a few more hours today working in 3DS Max and Mudbox. I'm really liking how easy Mudbox is to just pick up and use. No crazy 2.5d to fight with like in some other sculpting programs...(cough *zBrush* cough) The tools are straight forward, and react as you'd imagine. Now I just wish I was a better sculpter, and more skilled digital painter, as those are the real skill sets being drawn from here.

After detailing the rebarb sections, adding places where the rebarb penetrates the concrete pillar, and detailing the pipes and wire box, I exported the model to prep for unwrapping.

Now no one wants to unwrap a 9 mil poly model. Seriously. Even my lowest Sub-D level in Mudbox was over 100K tris. So I took the obj into 3D Photo Browser 9.1 and used their Polygon Cruncher on it, to reduce it to an even 1000 tris. Then I took that into 3Ds Max to unwrap.
So pelt mapping was in the 'Proof of Concept' stage last time I played around with it. In Max 2009 it works like magic. Between pelt mapping, the auto relax tool, and the pack tool this guy was unwrapped and laid out flawlessly in under 5 minutes. That basically eliminated one of the most tedious parts of modeling.

Looks like 3DS Max has been hitting the gym, and is looking extra sexxxy...
(and I've officially leveled up in 'Nerd.')

Achievement = Happiness

2009-07-18T06:12:00.000-07:00

I don't know if that is the case for everyone, but for me, that is the secret of life. When I feel stuck in a rut, I'm down. This can be destructive when it comes to things I can't control. As a result, or perhaps coping mechanism, I've become amazing at ignoring things outside my power. Over the years, after painful breakup after painful breakup I've applied this to my dating and social life. Not on purpose, it's just sort of crept in through cracks in my mental armor. It's easy to look back and see that whenever I've consciously gone about courting a girl I liked, it has never worked out. I spend so much time focused on formulating the perfect setting, atmosphere, mood, etc... that I forget to be myself and just have fun. All the long term relationships I've been in have sort of caught me by surprise. I collect girlfriends the same way I've collected my guy friends, common interests making two lives take the same path. My best guy friends right now are all people I met in college. Same mindset, same career goals, same nerdy senses of humor.
This is all very stream of consciousness because I'm quite tired. Time for the Nightwalkers to rest.
The overarching thought behind this rant is that I've invested an amazing amount of time into social dynamics, without ever evaluating the reward. It's almost as if by studying and improving my social habits, the reward, while larger in quantity, is much lower in quality.
Just some personal introspection.

And here's an update on my latest practice project:

Camping!

2009-07-17T22:03:00.001-07:00

I'm not doing it! I'm supposed to be, but I'm not. I haven't been camping in months, and somehow I was invited on not one, not two, but three camping trips this weekend. I elected to stay home and keep banging my head against Mudbox. I know that digital sculpting is the future for 3D artists, it just hasn't entered into my personal curriculum till now. Rather than be left in the dust when the uprising comes, I'm arming myself with the tools to join in battle on that glorious morn. In this case, battle being the job hunt, which in so many ways I'm already actively engaged in...

Here's a couple progress shots. This is really my first stab at 3d sculpting, and so I picked the easiest object I could think of- a concrete pillar. It seems this is a fairly common choice, and that several other people on the net picked the exact same reference image that I'm working from. Damn you Google image search. Damn you and all your glory.

Relearing

2009-07-16T06:14:00.000-07:00

I'm in the process of taking all the fancy tricks I've learned over the last year for Maya, and practicing them in Max. I also have some Mudbox tutorial time/experiments scheduled for the next couple days. Here's a basic mesh I cranked out in about 1/2 hour playing around with Sub-Division Poly modeling (Sub-D) in Max:

Tomorrow sometime I plan to drop it into Mudbox and add some realistic wear and tear. Reveal the substructure and whatnot.

I'd actually planned to do all this tonight, but I ran into a showstopper error with my Wacom Tablet. (Turns out it's nearly impossibly to use Mudbox effectively with a mouse.)

The problem was this:
My tablet kept defaulting back to mouse mode from pen mode.

I was using the beta drivers, so I rolled them back to the latest official release. Now I had a new problem:
The tablet registered everything correctly, but would not move the cursor around the screen at all.

Turns out this is a fairly common error between Vista and the Wacom drivers, and the solution is thus:

Go to Start--->control panel---->system(in classic view)---->device manager--->click on "human interface devices"--->then click on "Wacom virtual HID driver" and right click on that and disable it. Your computer will ask you to restart. After reboot, you are golden.

So, on the one hand I wasted several hours with technical difficulties, but on the other, I feel like I learned a lot about a great variety of topics.

I'm really trying to get back into the swing of daily blogging. It's funny how easy it is to pick up bad habits, and how hard it is to forge good ones... There's a lesson on social entropy, chaos theory, and the grand nature of the universe in there somewhere. But now I'm going to sleep, rather than bang my head against reality, demanding it deliver truth unto me in bite-size easily digestible chunks.

Free Pass to Siggraph 2009

2009-07-16T00:06:00.000-07:00

Autodesk wants to hook you up with a free exhibits pass.

https://www.xpressreg.net/register/sigg089/landing.asp?st=&o=87463&iq=&p1=&a=&k=&pb=&b=

Click on Exhibits Only
Exhibits Only Code: A455678

The Siggraph event/party at the 2008 show was easily the coolest part of the entire experience. Well, Nate destroying everyone in the digital painting competition 3 rounds straight and walking away with 2 full copies of the Adobe Creative suite and a new iMac was pretty awesome too...

So check it out.
http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=103025315921&h=hzWhT&u=DKCnm

Oh, but there's one downside:
IT'S IN NEW ORLEANS THIS YEAR. Boo.

Texture Mapping Experiments...

2009-07-10T02:04:00.000-07:00

This is another blog post for digital artists pretty much exclusively.
Recently while learning about procedural texturing I saw an interesting use of Ambient Occlusion. The point was made that objects tend to develop rust and grime in areas that are partly, or completely occluded.
Since adding rust and grime is a big part of adding realism to textures, I set out to find ways to apply this to traditional texturing.

The basic process is to first adjust the curves of your AO map so there is little grey, you don't want the rust/grime fading in and blending with the base color, you want it to appear to be on top.

Once you've got that looking nice, Use the adjusted map as a layer mask. (To paste the map directly in, you have to ALT-click on the layer mask to open it in 'document mode', then ALT-Click again to get back to your regular project.)
Here's the AO map, and the resulting texture from this process.

Clearly this is far from completed, but it's a quick and easy way to lay in some detail in the right areas. Obviously you'll need to go in and do some brush work to make it look more realistic. Adding some noise to break up the AO map (render clouds set to overlay...) is one possible solution. I think this could be very usefull if you needed to texture a lot of background props very quickly. I'd be hesitant to use this method on a main prop, unless it was just to block in the details in a first pass.

I'm back from the dark ages!

2009-07-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

I got the replacement screen for my phone today and installed it successfully!
21 missed calls
26 missed emails
99+ missed twitter messages
125 missed text messages...

I'm going to catch Transformers 2 with the family later, then it's back to radio silence to crank out this art test. The low poly model is pretty much finished, and I've started the high poly Sub-d. My only concern is the texturing, as it's a stylized sort of realism...

The best education...

2009-07-01T03:31:00.000-07:00

The best education I ever received with relation to my professional career didn't come in school. No, it came from an account manager at my first real job, Sam Rabinowitz. He showed me that a little bit of kindness and a warm smile can go a lot farther than beating yourself into the ground with hard work. You still have to do the work, but with the right attitude you'll get so much farther with people, in life, and in your personal goals. Sam was a natural networker. A people person through and through. He was never the dynamite sales person, but he was friendly, consistant, and ultimatly blew past all the hot-shots.

In addition to my little stroll through personal memories and insight, here's a little compairason I put together on my most recent project.

The Nexus of Action.

2009-06-30T04:09:00.000-07:00

I recently heard the phrase, "Man plans, God Laughs." Dark, yes- but insightful, also yes. Like a seasoned parent I imagine God looking on the decisions we make in life, knowing full well the outcomes of the paths we commit ourselves to. Sometimes we are so intently focused on getting through the door in front of us, we forget why we approached it in the first place. More common still, the longer we wait outside, the greater we built the inside up to be.

This isn't a rant about social entropy, or submitting to outright apathy. Rather, a personal reflection on the roads behind me, and the meandering paths they've taken. I once saw 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' right after a breakup. The overarching theme is along the lines of, "The pains of loss are proof positive the value of the experience." Expanding on the idea that if you were to wipe out all your painful memories, you'd lose even more happy ones.

Suddenly the whole concept of Religion, and repentance specifically, begin to make more sense. Wipe away the guilt and remorse from your memory, while retaining a fullness of the joy and happiness wrought in life.

I wrote a long letter to a friend recently. It was a sort of soul cleansing confession, letting go of a lot of things I held in. Not guilt or anything, but finally acknowledging how much I've come to rely on their influence in my life. I feel like delivering it would be unfair from a friendship point of view though. If you had the opportunity to know what your close friends really thought about you, good and bad, would you take it all in? Is this the same situation as in 'Eternal Sunshine..." I'm in a sort of half dazed state of inner reflection. That feeling where you can't tell if you're about to burst into laughter, or tears.

I look at my life, and goals as suffering from the Coriolis effect. I've always charged straight ahead through life with as much effort and force as humanly possible. However, with the ever changing landscape of life, I always seem to end up in a different place than predicted. Never bad, but never completely fulfilling. When I look back at the adventures of this summer so far, this year so far, I can't help but marvel at the amazing things that have more or less fallen into my lap. More importantly, the amazing friends, new and old, that have joined in my adventures.

I've been consumed, self destructively so, with starting a real career. I've avoided job after job that wasn't going to lead my towards that goal. Not until recently have I stopped to take a larger view of my actions. I feel like the Coriolis effect of life has this time left me in a better place than I originally set out for.

In the grand perspective of things, the very worst problem in my life is cash being tight. While other people are battling debilitating diseases, wondering where they are going to sleep for the night, or where to get their next meal, I'm upset because my cell phone is broken. That is seriously my biggest complaint. Even though I say that I'm broke, with a few phone calls I managed to spend yesterday up in Ventura with friends, watching my favorite bands, rubbing elbows at after-parties with mini celebs, and meeting cool new people. Oh, and Skullcandy paid for the trip, and is sending out top of the line headphones for myself and the friend that joined in on my adventure.

If this has been a lesson in gratitude, I'm glad for the perspective now, rather than after suffering the pains of loss. I don't know what I ever did to be born in the time and place, under the amazing circumstances I did, but thank you. I was born into a stable family, with every opportunity open to me. If I'd wanted to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or anything, I could have. Probably still can. But, I chose to be an artist. A laughable profession an any time but the Golden ages of humanity. The very fact that it exists is a testament to the affluence and excess of our time. Still, my family has been there, supporting my dream all along. Even in the face of financial disaster. Words can't express the gratitude I feel. I'll have to take action and attempt to show my feelings.

Eco-Unfriendly

2009-06-26T06:33:00.000-07:00

I just realized how un-green I am. (And how geeky I am, because that possibly meaning 'uncool' in the 'Fifth Element' was the first thing that popped into my mind...) I remember Jon Rick telling me how excited he was that he didn't have to pay electricity at his new place, it was part of the rent. He had a fleet of computers, vending machine, Street fighter 2 cabinet, Theater projector, AC unit, and a horde of other electronic devices going 24/7. Looking around my room I realize I have just as many whatzits going on here. I sit here in front of 4 monitors, and two laptop computers all consuming electricity while I lament about wasting electricity...

In other news, the process of rendering out ambient occlusion maps for all my high poly geometry took way longer than I'd anticipated, and then using Maya's 'transfer maps' to bake that onto my low poly models took equally as long. On top of that, my secondary rendering machine became inexplicably unstable. So rather than working on both machines, I spent the night watching Hulu on the fickle one, and rendering on the old reliable.

I'm still pretty unhappy with the texture on my S&W500 model. I was hoping the addition of AO would give it that extra 'pop' that made me go, "Ahhh... Now we're moving in the right direciton..." Well, I'm going to rest now and give it a fresh start in the morning. Er, Afternoon. Whatever.

Mental Shutdown

2009-06-25T06:22:00.000-07:00

I've set a personal deadline to finish my latest project by Friday... so I spend most of the day, and all the night till now working on it. All I really have to do is make high quality Color and Specular maps, and then call it a day. This is proving more difficult than it sounds. I'm deliberately staying away from making the texture look 'grungy' and worn, ala Fallout 3. It's more challenging than I thought to make something that looks clean, and yet realistic. When something is covered in scratches and wear, those bits of detail sell the object. With those absent, I'm struggling to make the texture believable. As a result, I'm hand-painting every bit of the texture, which introduces another hurdle- painting something by hand that is meant to be photo-realistic. Turns out it's time consuming.
My mind is done for the night. Between random crashes, and failing at simple tasks, I knew it was time to turn in. For some reason I'm having problems rendering an Ambient occusion map from high-poly geometry to Low-poly. The map is comming out just white and black, no shading.
Maybe some sleep will cure my problems. It's a fond dream.

On the shoulders of Giants.

2009-06-24T00:55:00.000-07:00

The measure of one's character is evident in the company they keep. I'm a very outgoing and social person, and I have a lot of people I'd call my friends, but I'm really glad for the ones I have around me now. For example, a great number of my high school friends are still hanging around our hometown still trying to get through community college, even though our ten year high school reunion was two years ago. So while I have a lot of fond memories of these individuals, I really don't see them often.
On the other hand, I have friends scattered all over the state that I make a concerted effort to spend time with, because they inspire me. Usually these are the friends who I see moving in the direction I want to be moving in. Their mere presence is positive reinforcement of my own personal, and professional goals.
Earlier tonight I met with a few friends to work on a 'top secret' project we call 'Mayo.' It's top secret because it's a brilliant idea that we are reasonably sure we can execute on a very professional level. At our meeting this week, Johnny Perkins pitched us another brilliant idea. I wish there was a way for him to express on a resume just how good his ideas are, how far out of the box he thinks, and how creatively he solves problems. I have no doubt that everyone in the industry would be clamoring at his door.
Likewise, we're fortunate to have Nate Dollarhite giving physical representation to Johnny's abstract concepts through masterful digital paintings and sketches. This early on in the project I feel like they are doing the burden of the work, as there is little 3D modeling, and little business management for me to tend to. As we get things rolling I can already see the weight shifting onto my shoulders. Hopefully I'll be able to look back on these times and not resent having to do so much of the work.

S&W Finished Normal map

2009-06-23T02:34:00.000-07:00

I had some time tonight to do a little more work on the S&W 500 model I've been working on in my spare moments. After baking out the Hi-poly normal map, I took it into Photoshop to add small details.

And a shot showing how the weapon will look in-game, from the player's perspective.

Normal Mapping experiments

2009-06-22T01:32:00.000-07:00

If you're a 3D artist and you want to work on Current/Next gen games, normal mapping is an incredibly important skill to know. If you're visiting mt blog and you're not a 3d artist, this may be a post to skip, unless you're looking to educate yourself on deeply geeky topics. To fill you in, a normal map adds additional shading information to the surface of an object, to make a simple shape look more detailed usually.

I recently had a friend who was working for Infinity Ward look over some of my project files, and he pointed out some causes for normal map errors I was facing. Basically he told me that wherever you have a hard edge on your model, you also need to separate those areas in your UV map. This is caused by Ray misses in the projection from the Low to Hi poly model.

I put together some simple test renders so that I could wrap my head around the concept more. Here they are, with a screen cap from Maya first for reference.

Example 1

Example 2

Example 3

Example 4

After looking over these, Example 3, the way he explained laying out my UV's and Hard edges produces the closest result to the hi-poly model. My reservations about using this method though is that it's going to result in a very complex and potentially wasteful UV layout, based on the number of pieces the model end up broken into. If any one has any suggestions, I'm eager to learn how I can improve my work-flow.

(Thanks to anyone from Polycount for stopping by to lend a hand. There is a discussion about this going on RIGHT HERE.)

Pixel aspect ratio correction is for preview purposes only. Turn it off for maximum image quality.

2009-06-22T00:50:00.000-07:00

Don't turn it off.
Instead, go to View>Pixel Aspect Ratio>Square

If you've done a lot of 3d rending you've probably come up against the error before. More than likely it's because you picked a preset that doesn't default to square pixels. Not to fear, you are saved.

Father's weekend...

2009-06-21T01:38:00.000-07:00

Quick journal entry to keep my daily blogging streak up... We gathered all the guys up Friday night and went to see UP in 3D. While 3D is kind of a neat party trick, it doesn't add anything to the atmosphere of the story, nor does it enhance the plot. So really, I find it kind of pointless. Plus, it took in excess of 10 minutes for my eyes to adjust to the 3d glasses. This may be in large part due to the face I was wearing them over my actual glasses. Hmm...
I must have eaten some bad popcorn... because I woke up this morning feeling terrible. I don't want to get overly graphic, but I felt like I was constipated and had diarrhea. Yeah. Wrap your head around that. My fondest desire was to evacuate by bowels, but it just wasn't going to happen.
All this fun compounded by the fact that we got up nice and early to drive out the the sleepy country town of Ramona California to eat breakfast at the Kounrty Kitchen, est. 1939. I guess they've had some time to perfect their omelets, because I hear they are legendary. I wouldn't know, because I spent the whole meal trying puke on the table. It was one of those situations where I was afraid that if I allowed myself to burp, it would start a chain reaction of dire effect.
After our breakfast ritual, I crawled back into bed and wrote the rest of the day off. That is, until about 6pm when my lower intestine decided to work itself out. Explosively.
The rest of the day I spent in a sort of un-sleep, the dazed feeling an overly long nap gives you. The body and mind are fickle things. To little sleep and you get headaches and can't focus. To much sleep and you feel foggy and can't focus. But then again, there's and overarching theme in my life surrounding the lack of focus.
Perhaps being aware of the problem will make it easier to focus on.

Technical Barriers

2009-06-20T02:04:00.000-07:00

For those of you avidly following my misadventures, I recently set an alarm to remind me to blog. Every night at 11pm my phone makes the most annoying sound I could find in its library of irritating songs. I mean really, who is writing these jingles? I changed my major from Journalism/Music composition to Business at SDSU because either of those degrees lead directly to a life of abject poverty. Somehow, years later my diploma says 'Game Art and Design.' I feel like I played an ironic time traveling practical joke on myself. Back to my point- who is writing the jingles? The interns? Is this what musician hell is like?

It turned out that at 11pm this evening, I was baking cookie with Brandon, the Chad and a handful of beautiful young ladies. Not the ideal time to make a blog post. I handn't figured in difficulty wrought by the number of distractions. While trying to focus on conveying the basic event of the day in an intelligent manner, all the giggling, movie previews, smell of fresh baked cookies, and intermittent casual conversation made the task impossible.

Aside from that, blogging from a phone, even a phone with a full tactile Qwerty keyboard, is far more time consuming that using the regulation size keyboard. While it is a keyboard in that it's a flat surface covered with keys, you can hardly call what you do on it typing. Rather, you end up hunting and pecking with your thumbs because the rest of your hand is occupied holding the device. This reduces my composition speed to roughly that of the average grandparent.

I'm sure I'll find a happy medium.

Geek book report

2009-06-19T02:39:00.000-07:00

I have an overactive mind. Most days I can't get to sleep because I can't stop the mental-heavy-lifting my brain does, sorting out the adventures of the day, and the possibilities for the future. I've discovered, however if I read about half an hour of a truly engaging book I fall right to sleep.

Recently I was introduced to the Forgotten Realms series by my friend Chad. In high school I dismissed all the Dungeons and Dragons related books as fantasy fluff. This is an interesting bit of sophistry, in that my group of friends were avid D&D players. More than one time had I heard the name of 'Drizzt Do'Urden' lauded with praise, so when Chad presented me with the collectors edition of the novels introducing him to the world*, 'The Dark Elf Trilogy,' I decided to recant my previous position and give it a chance.

(*Technically, 'The Icewind Dale Trilogy' first featured Drizzt, with 'The Dark Elf Trilogy' being written as a prequel. Having read both, I believe the author wrote 'The Dark Elf Trilogy' intending it to be read first.)

I don't really want to delve into the plotline of the three books, but rather explore the reasons why I really enjoyed the read. First of all, the story line is a compelling example of the perfect execution of the hero's journey. The adventure follows the archetypal Monomyth, and as such the reader is left with a glimmer of enlightenment at the sheer power of adhering to ones principles, and not giving in to temptation under pressure. (Other examples of the Monomyth include the stories of Buddha, Christ, Luke Skywalker, and Moses- with the notable exception that Moses ended up spending 40 years wandering around in the desert as punishment for violating his principles. A cautionary tale giving greater credence to other hero's adventures.)

The next point on which my amazement hangs is in the execution of the setting. The series is set deep underground, in a world without light. Pure, oppressive darkness. The setting is in itself the perfect foreshadowing and atmosphere for the tale to come. Now, from a completely literary point of view, describing a completely dark environment is a herculean task. Not only does the author, R. A. Salvatore, accomplish this, but he gives such life to Drizzt's dark city of birth, Menzoberranzan, that the reader himself can clearly see what it would be like to experience the world through infrared eyes, seeing the beauty that surrounds us as gradations of heat rather than reflected light.

That's all the teaser I'm going to give you. Know that the setting is grand, the adventure epic, and when it's through, the morals imparted to you will leave you both inspired and filled with hope.

The darkest moments of our lives teach us to shine the brightest.

S&W 500 Progress Update...

2009-06-18T06:40:00.001-07:00

Alrighty kids! Put your geek hats on, because I've got a serious update on this project for ya. So all the modeling is complete now. The Low-poly base mesh is done and cleaned up, and the High-poly Subdivision model is complete. At this point I've got to bake out the normal maps and paint more detail into them for screws, machining, and other fine details. From there it's just texture mapping the surfaces, and making some nice spec maps to really sell the metal texture and normal maps.
Here's a few pics for you to peruse. (After you click the Thumbnail, you can click the 'all sizes' button on the Flickr page to see a larger version of each image.)

Priapism

2009-06-18T02:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah. That's the word of the day. Priapism. Fortunately, I wasn't the victim of this serious, and yet hilarious medical condition. The last two on-site contracts I've worked have involved crazy hours, and often night shifts. Due to the resulting wildly erratic sleeping patterns, my doctor prescribed me sleeping pills, specifically Trazidone.
(As a side note, the 'victim' in this story probably didn't want it noised about, so I'll leave him nameless. But, If you know he and I it'll be easy enough to figure out. But then again, if you know us that well then I bet we've shared in our fair share of embarrassments together, and in the end this is just another good laugh.)
Before leaving my last contract job with Sony, I recommended another artist and close friend for the job. He's doing it now, and working some nights. The last time we were hanging out I gave him the last of the sleeping pills.
This afternoon he gave me a call and asked if there were any side effects of the pills... I hadn't experienced any, so I said no. He then informed me that he'd had, "a raging boner" all morning and it just wouldn't quit. I know I probably should have taken this more seriously, as priapism is a serious medical condition, but my mind was imediatly transported to 7th grade and I laughed uncontrollably. After all, to paraphrase Kevin Smith, 'Wiener and fart jokes will always be funny.'
(In grabbing that last link for you I discovered that Kevin Smith and I have the same birthday. Hmm. And by the way, Yesterday was Captain Awesome's birthday!)

Mobile blogging...

2009-06-17T05:49:00.000-07:00

In following up on yesterday's mental dump to this very blog, I've invested some time in figuring out how to post text and images to my blog via MMS. I also looked into the same concept via email, but windows mobile doesn't feel like complying.

I took in a Padree's game with my friend Roxanne in celebration of her birthday. After the game we dropped in on a friend who'd let us park in his apartment complex. The attached photo is the view from his roof. Awesome.

...progress on S&W 500 project...

2009-06-16T06:09:00.000-07:00

I've finally had some free time, and could pour a few hours into this project. The low-poly gun is completed, and I've got a nice unrwap going. I've just got to finish the high poly model, bake out the normal map, and then paint the gun. This project has been a long time in the making, but I'm pretty happy so far...

A life without consistancy

2009-06-15T23:47:00.000-07:00

It really no secret to me that I thrive when I have order and structure in my life, and I flounder without. Oddly, ever fiber of my being rebels at the thought of any regimented activity. I imagine what my life would have been like had I enlisted in the armed forces. Instead, I took basically the polar opposite approach, and became a fine artist in the digital age.

I'm sitting down today to commit all the ideas floating around in my head to digital paper, so that I can stop thinking about them.

I'm not a spiteful person, and prefer not to speak ill of anyone, even ex-girlfriends. I have nothing negative to say about my most recent ex, in-fact, she's a great person. Just not for me. Now- with that disclaimer in place- Earlier this week a friend told me that he'd heard my ex was looking for dates via personal adds on Craigslist.com. I couldn't help but feel that somehow I was winning. At life.

I have an idea floating around in my head about taking micro-blogging more seriously. I twitter fairly regularly. This isn't going to be a post on the virtues of twitter, suffice to say it fills a vital role in my perceived online presence. I see on the near horizon an era where your online persona is more important than your real life one. It appears Google is doing everything in their power to usher in that age.

I know I have the ability to blog from my cell phone, I just need to familiarize myself with the process, and then set and alarm or something to remind me daily to post. Like, drop what I'm doing for 5 minutes and report on the day. This is a procedure very much for myself so that in the future I'll be able to look back and recall my own adventures.

I need to devise a label system to organise the events of my life. So far I have the following:
#Art - for posting updates specifically related to my creations
#DailyAdventures - to chronicle my day to day experiences, a sort of mini-journal
#Rants - for obscure ponderings and, as the title implies, personal rants.

I'm using hashtags (#) becuase of their application in terms of metadata. If none of that makes sence to you, you may not be a nerd. Congradulations.

I wonder about the permanence of the internet. There's not promise that I'll wake up in the morning and my Gmail-Beta account will still be functional. Losing all the content therein would be a huge blow to the personal archive that is my life. The same goes for the online dialogue woven in the many threads and photo albums of my facebook profile. These are literally intangible digital constructs that I place a great deal of trust and faith into.

S&W 500 Update...

2009-05-30T05:10:00.001-07:00

Progress-2009-05-30
Originally uploaded by mcbradd

I ran into a snag with the construction of the gun frame, and had to basically remodel the whole thing so that the gun could actually animate a reload cycle properly...
Also, I started with the barrel and cartridge as 8-sided cylinders. After putting this amount of work and detail into this piece, they seemed glaringly low-rez, so I bumped them up to 16. It only added about 50 poly's to the model, and I think they were well spent.

I've got the entire gun modeled, and the Sud-D version completed for baking out the normal maps... Just got to finish the Scope and holster clips... hooray! I can see the light at then end of the tunnel!

Ok... a real update...

2009-05-28T04:15:00.001-07:00

Progress-2009-05-28
Originally uploaded by mcbradd

Now that I have a handle on what I'm actually doing, things are moving along wonderfully. The normal maps are coming out much cleaner, and with some touch ups in Photoshop, should look amazing.

This probably seems like a trivial accomplishment to everyone else, but I'm quite pleased with myself. Everything about this project marks firsts for me. This is my first attempt at a photo-realistic weapon, and first time baking Normals from shapes this complex.

S&W 500 Update! Finally!

2009-05-27T22:26:00.001-07:00

Normal-Map-Comparison1
Originally uploaded by mcbradd

After posting my WIP on Polycount it was immediately pointed out to me how much I still had to learn before tackling this seemingly simple project.

So, I've spent the last few weeks learning about Normal mapping workflows, more efficient Sub-Division surface modeling, and filling in all sorts of holes in my personal knowledge base.

One of my biggest problems was glaring errors in my normal maps. Nasty black lines on all my edges. The answer was simple, so I'll pass it along to any would-be 3d artists that may be reading this:
Anywhere there is a hard edge on your model, you need to break up in your UV layout. If you have hard edges touching, your bake is going to fight and guess over which Normal is correct, and hence- Ugly black lines.

Tuesdays are for Partying

2009-05-27T14:02:00.000-07:00

Last night I rolled up to Newport Beach with Nate Dollarhite and Johnny Perkins to attend the GoPlay Games wrap party for their forth coming title, Popple. (Get ready kids, I'm in a linky mood...) I had the pleasure of meeting most of team from GoPlay at this years Game Developers Conference. Ever since, we've gotten together weekly for a game development mixer put together by Jim Rivers, of Obsidian Entertainment. Jim's a solid guy, who really cares about people. As a result, what started off as 8 people gathering for a few drinks after work, has spawned into a party that takes over the entire patio area of the Auld Dubliner in Tustin, CA every Wednesday night.

But this is a post about parties on Tuesdays.

A lot of the crowd celebrating with GoPlay, are the same that you'll find at Jim's 'Beer Wednesday' mixer. As a result, it's a pretty tight crowd of game industry types. It's really impressive to see a bunch of game industry rookies form their own studio, and follow all the way through to a completed comercial product.

On our way home, we got a call from a friend at Rockstar San Diego that they were having a company party. Far be it from me to pass up an opportunity to network, and far be it from my friends to pass up free drinks. While there the converstaion turned to perosnal projects. One of the Technical artist there pitched us an idea he's working on, which honeslty sounded pretty fun. It should be noted that the three of us are already in the planning phases of our own title that will not only be fun, but with which we hope to raise the bar for interactivity and character devolpment in an online game. I can't say much more than that without tipping my hand, but I'm really excited to be a part of this project. I feel like I'm working with a team of geniuses.

Last night's adventures were a real boon to my motivation. Seeing friends reach completion on a project, and seeing that my skills are in demand for similar projects was a pat on the back, and a push in the right direction.

Before I sign off I wanted to throw another thank you out to Jon Rick (and in case you didn't know, you've SEO'd your way to the top of google's results for "Jon Rick.") Jon's been a long time friend, and invaluable resouce throughout college, my early career, and on all the personal and professional projects we've had the chance to work on together. A while back he set me up with a little tool he'd created that basically emails me info on the people who visit my website. In the past week I've had visits from Crytek, 2K Boston, 2K Marin, and ChAIR Ent. It's clear to me now that I'm attracting the right sort of attention, now it's up to me to beef up my work, and impress them.

I'm turbo-charged and ready to go.

Electricity in the Air.

2009-05-23T02:09:00.000-07:00

There is some thing new here. A bright sense of anticipation. A knowing. The racing-pulse-pounding excitement of a panic attack, without the dread or terror. The cresting of the first most titanic arc of a grand roller-coaster. I feel like I have my eyes closed and the wind in my face. And I'm wearing a smile.
There's an indescribable familiarity in the events of my life recently. It's a sort of reverse déjà vous, as if I'm seeing the events that will one day play out, and at any moment the real world will disappear and fade into memory.
This is joy. Happiness unbridled.
Honestly, I can't really say why. On paper, nothing is going as I'd like. As many of you may have heard, my contact with Sony Online Entertainment was over nearly as quickly as it began.
I'm in what I'd call the worst physical shape of my life, and while I have great desires to improve in this area, it's all tomorrows and somedays.
My romantic life bounces between the incredibly simple and the needlessly complicated. But I feel like I've got a pretty good handle on it. For I know deep within, that I simply want that which I cannot have, and as soon as the fruit passes from the forbidden realm, I no longer desire it. It's going to take more than arm-chair psychology to work that one out, but I'm not really in a rush.
I feel strangely liberated recently. Once again, my dreams are my limits, and the sky is a figment of my myopic imagination.
I'm reading again. Really reading. Books with real meat, and fluffy books rife with high fantasy. The yin and yang of modern literature.
I'm making music again. Rusty as my joints are, nothing keeps the oxidation away like the oily splash of focused practice.
I go through cycles wondering who I am, why I am here, and who benefits from my existence. When those three dials diverge, just getting out of bed is a colossal task. Right now the axises of my focus all point true north.
It's a blessing that brings tears to my eyes literally. Before now, I can't remember the last time I cried. Or even cared.
I dread going to sleep tonight for fear that this miraculous feeling will pass. This is power. Or truth. Or righteousness. This is the enlightened moment some spend a life time searching for.
I can't begin to explain why it courses through me now. All I can do is give myself over and pray my thanks. A lightning rod to pierce the veil. Answers to questions unanswerable by man. Questions I would have never thought to ask.
Thank you for living though this with me.
May I someday live through you.
Each of you.

The previous emotional deluge was triggered by a simple, easy to miss event of minuscule importance. I had my dog, Captain Awesome, with me all day. He missed his dinner. Getting home at 1:30am, I fixed him a bowl of half dry dog food, and half wet out of the can. Just the way he likes it. As I left the room, he looked and followed me. He'd rather stay by my side than eat. It was a simple thought, but It set me off thinking about friends and relationships. How blessed I've been in my life. The amazing family I have been privileged to grow up in. And yes, the wonderful puppy, Captain Awesome, who came into my life in perhaps the darkest of times, and has seen my though the this very moment of illumination.

These clumsy words are a poor service to the emotions I am feeling. But they are my best, and most honest attempt at giving thanks to the people in my life. From Parents and siblings to Dear friends, to all the smiling acquaintances I am blessed to see every time I go out socially. It is your love, and your excitement that I feel now. Never underestimate the power of a kind word or a helping hand. You are the hands, voice and heart of god.

Activision Cover letter.

2009-04-17T22:31:00.000-07:00

I spent the last few minutes writing a fairly personal cover letter while applying for a producer position at Activision, working on their Guitar Hero Franchise. I thought I'd post it here as well rather than just filing it into 'My Documents.'

I am a gamer, avid musician, and general technophile. But we’ll talk about that later. First let’s delve into ‘me’ as a producer.

Prior to jumping feet first into the game industry, I was responsible for finding solutions to communication problems between clients and firms regarding advanced tax planning issues. This required me to identify specific areas where communication was breaking down. Next, I organized the efforts of CPA’s, Tax Lawyers, Accountants, and Graphic Artists to produce meaningful interactive presentations conveying these complex ideas. The bottom line was user experience, with individual clients filling the role of end user. It was my responsibility to make sure all these moving parts functioned together to deliver a product that was complete, and comprehensible to the layman. I researched new technologies and techniques to achieve our goals and presented these options to the firm’s partners. Ultimately I was tackling upcoming issues before they became problems.

I learned music theory at my parent’s insistence starting at the age of seven. Being the middle child with five siblings, I was always dropped off for piano lessons and had to wait through my younger sister and brother’s lessons. The time after my lesson wasn’t a total loss- my piano teachers son had a Nintendo (and I didn’t) so those hours of waiting were spend mastering the finer points of Mario, Contra, and Double Dragon. So in a perverse way, Video Games and music have always been bound together in my mind.

Fast-forward to my 16th birthday. Perhaps the greatest present I’ve ever received: An American made Fender Stratocaster. I’d eventually gut it and replace all pickups with active-matrix EMG pickups. Two single coils and a humbucker. All the members of my first garage band, Isostacy, were avid players of Rare’s monumental ‘James Bond: Golden Eye.’ Once again, music and video games bound together in my life.

One last leap forward: The winter of my sophomore year of college. I elected to take the winter off, and go to school during the summer. The reason behind this was an invitation to be an instructor in the Park City Mountain Resort Snowboard School. In preparation for many snowy drives, I purchased a 2004 Subaru WRX. I installed an in-dash DVD/NAV system. Also, I installed a PS2 in the glove box, and wired two Guitar Hero Guitars through the trunk access panel. Literally everywhere I went we could play Guitar Hero. I don’t need to tell you that once again, music and video games were bound together in my life.

I thank you for taking the time to read about my adventures, and I truly hope for the opportunity to extend my tales through a career with Activision.

Minor Update

2009-04-07T00:19:00.001-07:00

SW500 2009-04-07
Originally uploaded by mcbradd

Sadly I've been feeling under the weather a bit lately. I'm not one of those productive sick types, I'm definitely the somebody-come-take-care of me type sickie. So this is a minor update after adding some of the smaller details to the low poly S&W500 model. Tomorrow should see the low poly finished and a lot of the high poly model completed.

I listened to the album 'Poisin Kiss' by 'The Last Goodnight' earlier today. I liked it. I sent out a twit earlier describing it as something between 'Jason Mraz' and 'Head Automatica.'

Back from GDC... Back to Modeling

2009-04-04T03:19:00.001-07:00

SW500 2009-04-04
Originally uploaded by mcbradd

Really, I'd wanted to get this done *before* GDC, but I opted to polish the crap out of my other two models, and I think in the end It was a wise choice.
I heard recently that the way to get a lot of things done is to do one thing at a time.

Done with Europe... now for San Francisco...

2009-03-23T10:26:00.001-07:00

Europe_Final
Originally uploaded by mcbradd

Finally... after days of little to no sleep, I've got all the textures in place... It's been fun actually, as I built the scene with layered shaders rather than a ton of unique textures. Much closer to the actual process you'd find in game development.

I'm going to crash now and sleep, then get all this printed later today.

Tomorrow I jump on a plane and head to San Francisco till Saturday. I'll be attending GDC and a bunch in industry side events/parties. If you're up these, drop me a line I'd love to see what you've been doing. Seriously. I'm kind of half wondering if I'll run into some of the same people I haven't seen since graduation...

Almost done with Europe...

2009-03-22T02:21:00.001-07:00

Euro_Lighting
Originally uploaded by mcbradd

If you're not into 3D rendering this next bit might go over your head, so I'll summarize to lay mans terms before I even say it: Spent a lot of time, without checking to see if what I was doing was even possible.

So I'm building this scene using a complex array of layered shaders. Based on my experience with Unreal 3, I'm trying to build this in a way that if I had a reason, I could just drop the assets in the engine and then connect all the bitmaps up.

Also, I wasn't really happy with how my bricks were looking with a standard blinn shader, so I rebuilt the network on a Phong, then dialed down the eccentricity to avoid it looking like plastic. What hadn't occoured to me is to check if Mental ray in Maya supports Normal maps on a Phong shader. Seems like it should, but for the life of me, every time I try to render it out, Maya crashes. Switch it back to a Blinn, everything's fine. Tried it on three different machines. Cleaned out my scene history, checked for bad transforms, even ran the render diagnostics and read through the log file.

And still, every few times I render, I get the Visual C++ "Application terminated Unexpectedly" warning....

Oh well. If this Job was easy and fun, everyone would already be doing it. ;)

Destroying Years of Your Life

2009-03-19T08:28:00.001-07:00

SW500_01
Originally uploaded by mcbradd

So Chad came over to get a little help on his final project in an 3DS Max animation class. Props to him for showing up with Two Hot 'n Ready's and a 2 liter of Mt. Dew.
After goofing around on the webs for the better part of an hour we decided to get down to business. He handed me the cord to his external hard drive, and as I pulled it to plug into the USB dock on the far side of my monitor, his drive fell off the desk and crashed to the floor.

Destroyed.

Apparently that was where he was keeping the back ups of all the projects he'd done in school. Years of artwork. Yeah. The originals had been lost in some kind of freak accident I hear. You'll have to read his blog for more specifics.

Also, I started a new model tonight. I'm making a high and low poly versions of a 500 S&W Magnum. That's a 50 cal handgun. My Dad picked up two of them a while back to protect himself while fishing.
Sounds ridiculous, right? What kind of fish do you need the worlds largest handgun for? Well, his intention is to fly fish for Salmon. They can be very aggressive during mating season.
No, not really.
Or maybe yes.
But you know who else likes Salmon fishing? Bears. Huge ones. The kind that a 9mm would just piss off.
So yeah. I'm gonna whip this model out and take it to GDC with me. I'm super excited as I've already got some interviews lined up, and some invite to private corporate parties.
So here's to the job hunt. Wish me luck!

Rockstar and Alka-Seltzer

2009-03-18T03:42:00.001-07:00

They taste like bubble gum. I kid you not. 'Original Rockstar energy drink' combined with 'Alka-Seltzer Cold Plus' tastes just like that artificial bubble gum flavoring. But rather than just chewing the candy and tasting it for a second, it's like you're drinking the flavoring extract directly. Similar to drinking the syrup from the fountain soda without the carbonated water. Oh my.

I'm honestly surprised that there wasn't an explosion when I mixed the two. Rockstar is fundamentally an acid, Alka-Seltzer is by definition a base. Basic chemistry say that's the recipe for an explosive chemical reaction. Or a reduction to salt water. (Ugh *remembers balancing formulas in Chem class...)

And that's not even what I intended to blog about. THQ Plans to close Big Huge Games if they can't find a buyer. The news kind of makes me sad. I bought and loved their conversion of 'Settlers of Catan' for Xbox Live. Also, they're curently working on an RPG project headed up by one of the leads from Bethesda's Oblivion, yet another game I own and love. This is a company that I'd like to work for. It will be sad if their creative flame is extinguished by a difficult economic climate.

European Alley Update, and Personal Insights

2009-03-17T06:57:00.001-07:00

Euro_Unwrapped
Originally uploaded by mcbradd

I've got the scene all modeled out now, and the UV's are complete... forgot how tedious a lot of this can be, but it was excellent practice. I was feeling a little rusty in Maya, having used 3DS max almost exclusively this past year. After these last two projects I'm feeling better than ever, and I can see that I'm working noticeably faster. I wish I'd had the force of will to practice my craft every night this past year.

Which reminds me of a conversation I had with some friends the other day...

Anyone ever tell you, "I work really well under pressure..."? If I may, lets stop for moment and examine the contra positive of that statement, something along the lines of -" I work poorly without pressure." It's a crime I'm guilty of, in this month leading up to GDC I've made more progress towards completed projects than in the six months prior.
I begin asking myself how to get at the root of the problem. Am I dealing with general procrastination? Does this indicate a lack of focus? Perhaps I just need to learn to better incentivise myself.
In thinking through this mess I can rule out general procrastination, in my own case at least. I am always doing *something*. I think a lack of focus is again at the crux of my woes. I often find myself charging down a path of action, only to evaluate the usefulness of said action mid-journey.
I can't tell you how many half finished project I have on my computer. I can give you a hint though- I have a folder sitting on my desktop labeled 'projects.' It is the repository for all ideas, concepts, and incomplete works of art I've set out on. Right now it's just under 100gb.
Yep. The unfinished work sitting on my desktop right this moment would have more than filled the hard drive of my previous computer.
I'm glad to be blogging about my progress. It gives me a sort of subconscious accountability to press forward and complete the things I've posted about, simply because other people are now aware of what I'm working on.

Feedback, comments and criticism on my works in progress is welcome and appreciated.

Finding Perspective

2009-03-16T01:20:00.000-07:00

Blogging in general is very therapeutic for me. Typically, I’ll blog to work through specific emotions. Those times when you want to hike to the top of a mountain just to shout into the wind and proclaim to all of existence that you are here, and the world is going to learn to deal. Usually I am an open book and the stranger on the street can know how I am feeling just as easily as my girlfriend or mother.
Usually.
That’s been much less true recently. Mostly because I’ve felt very conflicted. It’s hard to blog about a specific emotion when you have two very strong influences competing for dominance. The biggest reason for this is I hate to lay blame, or make excuses. Typically when I find myself making excuses for my decisions I take a step back and try to look at myself and see what is really going wrong. I’ve been trying to take that step back since Thanksgiving. Sadly, with little progress, but I have managed to gain some perspective on my life, and on my actions, both deliberate, and indirect.
The last year of my life was most defined by two specific events; A serious relationship with a loving girl, and getting an excellent job in my chosen field – 3D artwork. However before the year was out, both of those things – the two things I want more than anything in life – had slipped through my fingers.
So I stand back, put my pride, emotions, logic, excuses, and friendly advice aside and ask why. The single most important thing I can do in the coming year is to not repeat the mistakes of last year.
In trying to take full responsibility for these two failings I came to one conclusion – a lack of focus. This is actually a recurring theme in my life.
For example – I’ve always been fairly articulate in writing, and as such never took the next step to elevate my craft to the level of a professional writer. I simply rode the talent I was naturally given as far as it would take me. The same is true of my piano and guitar playing. I got as good as I could without really making the sacrifice of my time and other social activities.
It’s hard for me to admit but the same holds true and echoes over into more important aspects of my personal life; specifically my religious devotion, and personal relationships.
I’m a devout member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I believe it is the plan for our happiness in this life, and eternal salvation in the life to come. And yet, even with this knowledge my actions aren’t completely in line with my convictions. Specifically, I recognize that I am lustful and lack charity towards others. I let base pride overrule my potentially noblest characteristics.
In relationships I know that I invest as much effort as I can without giving up my selfish habits.
I’m not referring to anything malicious or even out of the ordinary. The habits I refer to are the simple guilty pleasures like enjoying a lot of alone time. It’s hard to express to someone that even though you love them, you still want time alone to think or write, to play music or just reflect. I know that I come off as cold and distant and I don’t really know how to change that without attempting to restructure the very core of how I see myself.
This resistance to change is the pride and selfishness I see when I attempt introspection and self examination.
I’ve buried this next bit under the previous wall of text so that only those who really wanted to endure my tirade would reach this point. Consider this Basecamp-2 on the ascent of my snowy-self-reflection.
I went to the doctor a while ago. He referred me to a liver specialist and a Psychologist. The liver specialist sent me to a radiologist, and the Psychologist sent me to a Psychiatrist. I learned three important facts: One – A combination of bad diet, poor exercise habits, and stress was causing my liver to misbehave. Two – Never stop taking medication specifically prescribed by a medical professional just because you don’t want to take pills (thus admitting to yourself that you are sick.) Three – I suffer from a conflict of external locus of identity, meaning that my personality is so heavily based upon achievement that when said accomplishments are not recognized I’m prone to horrible depression.
-This is all getting terribly serious, so here’s a funny aside-
I went and got a full chest scan done so the doctors could analyze what was going on with my liver. The next day I went snowboarding, and as many of you know, broke my sternum, and dislocated all the ribs on my right side. (*Still in lots of pain*) So, two days later I was back getting another chest scan. I had the same orderly putting the ultrasound goo on me both times – but the second time it was almost unbearable just to be touched. She said, “I better not see you back here later this week, or I don’t know what we’re going to do…” which made me laugh. For the record, laughing with a broken sternum and cracked ribs is incredibly painful- and so I ended up in tears with a grin on my face. A painfully hilarious metaphor for my life in general lately.
Moving right along. I fell in love a while ago. If there’s such a thing as love at first sight this was it. If there is such a thing as a soul mate, she was mine. Something beyond the conscious mind was immediately familiar about her. But I couldn’t have her at the time. She was dating another. Got married even. I don’t know if I’d call the tragedy that led her to being single again a miracle, but I found her back in my life. In one of our first heart to heart discussions she told me about a close friend that she’d lost because he was taking Adderall, and it negatively impacted his moods and personality. I’d been prescribed Adderall and an antidepressant earlier that year. I tried to hide it from her, which made me feel terrible, knowing that she was against those specific drugs. I eventually stopped taking the medication and stopped seeing my doctor, telling myself that I could manage, and that having her love would be enough to make due.
Even though the events of my life were all good, and I was surrounded by positive friends and a loving family, I began sliding into apathy- my personal manifestation of depression. It got so bad that I didn’t care about or enjoy anything in my life. The artwork I was making was average. I was having a hard time paying attention to long conversations. Reading was an impossible chore. I was going nowhere and didn’t really mind.
That not totally true. I was dragging a girl, the companion to my soul down into my apathy day by day. She is an incredibly articulate writer. While reading some abstract poetry she’d sent me I made a connection, somewhere, subconsciously I knew that the path I was on could only lead to heartbreak and disaster for us both. The next time I saw her I tried to explain the abstract darkness that is unprovoked depression to her without admitting its name. In the end every word she spoke stung like icy water on bare skin. One true emotion cutting through my apathy, reminding me I was still alive. They were just little comments here and there, but it was more than I could bear. Partly out of pride, mostly out of shame I took the low road out, and left her hoping that with time I can find cages for these dark beasts that gnaw at the corners of my mind. Praying that I wouldn’t drag her down into my personal purgatory.
The moment I was single again, freed from the fearful burden of ruining the person for whom I cared most, things immediately began improving. I saw doctors. Got back on a health plan. Good friends came to my rescue. Though you may not know it, if you’re reading this you very well may have saved my life. For every moment of deep binding apathy, I have moments of adrenaline filled mania. More than a few times I’ve planned out my own funeral, wishing the world a better future without me in it. My loving family has unknowingly taken my by the arms and shoulders and carried me from the brink more times than I care to reflect on. This is how I know I have a Heavenly father watching over me. In every one of those moment when I was ready to abandon myself, my family has directly intervened on my behalf and seen me through to better times.
Caring friends have then picked up the slack and ignited my spark for life.
I don’t want anyone to read this as a call for help, or grasp at sympathy. Largely I’m sharing these thoughts as a memorial to the terrain I’ve conquered, and as a way to say thank you to everyone who has crossed my life in the last year.
In seeking out an answer, I realize that thankfulness was the missing key. Dreadful personal pride isolates us from those who would love us most. It is impossible to be charitable and self-centered.
“He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” -Matthew 10:39

A weekend in Europe

2009-03-15T05:14:00.001-07:00

Euro_test_4
Originally uploaded by mcbradd

It's been quite a busy weekend. Or rather, for the rest of the world it's been a busy weekend, while Bradd has been sitting in the same chair trying his best to focus. I weaseled my way out of two dates and a reschedule this weekend so that I could focus on Art. I Changed my status from "attending" to "not attending" on three facebook events. Watch. The second GDC is over and the pressure is off, all the women and parties will vanish like a rainbow dried up by the sun. But you know what? Right now I'd trade all of that for a job that I could see as a career.

That right. I spent this weekend in Europe. In the digital version of a quaint European ally, crafted from the comfort of my own bedroom.

European Alley - Blockout Render

2009-03-14T04:43:00.001-07:00

Euro_test_2
Originally uploaded by mcbradd

My next project is a quick 3D Study of European Architecture cobbled together from various reference photos.